Spam that makes you go "Hmm..."

Please share with all your friends—don’t take chances, IT COULD SAVE SOMEONE’S LIFE!

My friend Beth and I were walking home together one night last week. We live in a really low crime neighborhood, but we’d both read a lot of e-mails from our friends warning us about the dangers of walking alone, and the latest and most popular trends in sexual assault, and the various ploys that serial rapists/killers and your garden-variety opportunists will use to catch you off guard so they can kidnap you and do God-knows-what to you before their kids get home from soccer practice. Anyway, needless to say, we both knew better than to walk alone at night, but we were feeling pretty safe anyway because we had each other and a full moon to see by and I even had some mace in my purse if we saw someone we didn’t know approaching. So we thought we were prepared for anything. Boy, were we wrong!

Anyway, we were walking along, talking and laughing like we normally do, just a typical weekday evening, when we heard an engine roar down a nearby street and then this SUV with darkly tinted windows suddenly peeled around the corner in front of us. The headlights were so bright they blinded us for a minute, in which time the car had screeched to a stop beside us and a couple of guys were screaming at us through the passenger’s side window. “Get into the car, quick!” the driver was yelling. “Yeah, get in or you’ll be sorry!” the passenger guy said.

Beth and I had taken a self-defense course together last year, so she immediately yelled back, “Stay away from me! I don’t know you!”

But the guy in the passenger’s seat reached back and threw open the back door and said, “Seriously, get in!”

Beth began screaming, but I remembered being told once that children being abducted from a playground should honk like a goose instead of screaming because people would notice that weird noise but not necessarily another child screaming on the playground. Well, at that moment I only remembered the honking part, not that it was specifically for when you’re around screaming children, so I began honking anyway as I fumbled through my purse for the mace.

“Just get in,” said the passenger. “There’s werewolves all over the place!” At least I thought that’s what he said. Beth’s shrill screaming was overwhelming even my own honking and making it hard to hear anything. I stopped honking briefly and asked him to repeat himself, and he said there were werewolves out tonight and we should get in the car before they came our way. Beth was still distrustful and started to pull me away from the curb, but I thought the guys in the car seemed sincere enough, and if I had a choice between being raped and killed by a couple of guys or being raped and killed by a couple of werewolves, I wanted to err on the side of the people, especially since if they drove off and left us I’d no longer have a choice.

So Beth started screaming “I don’t know you!” again while I jumped in the back of the strange SUV. And just in time, because no sooner had I closed the door than Beth was pounced on by a pack of savage werewolves and torn to shreds. After I later escaped the two men in the car (it turned out they WERE sexual predators, but at least human ones), I Googled for other incidents like this, and found out this sort of thing has been happening more and more frequently. Usually a woman hears a man warning her about werewolves and assumes he’s lying, but it’s often the last assumption she ever makes.

People claiming to be LAW ENFORCEMENT OFFICERS ARE RECOMMENDING that if strange men pull up to you and make wild claims about werewolves or other supernatural creatures on the loose, you should IMMEDIATELY GET IN THE CAR with those strange men. Again, THIS IS NOT A JOKE, it really happens. Don’t take chances, this is COMPLETELY TRUE. You can check this on Snopes.*

PLEASE SEND THIS TO EVERYONE IN YOUR ADDRESS BOOK IMMEDIATELY!


*Although if you DID check, you’d find a) it’s not on Snopes because this bogus email is too new to have made it in, b) it is on Snopes, but only to say that everything in this email is false, or c) it is on Snopes, but under the “mixed bag” rating that illustrates how easily a tiny little kernel of truth can become a giant flaming turd of nonsense when people don’t bother to check their facts before passing things on, even when the tone of the email in question is hysterical, sky-is-falling irrationality without even an internal logic, much less one grounded in fact or reason. Also, taxes are the #1 problem with society and Obama is the antichrist.